Time to decide

I went to the beach with my dog Columbo this morning to try and clear my head before a busy day. When it comes to what I’ve been eating, the last seven days have not been brilliant in any shape or form, no matter how good my intentions were last Thursday. While watching the beautiful horizon at the beach I was trying to find out what is lacking at this moment for me? Where and why has my willpower vanished, when it comes to losing weight?

The answer I gave myself was that I have forgotten what a big commitment it is to do well and to have continuous healthy eating habits long term with losing weight. I had forgotten how determined I must be every moment of every day if I am to succeed.

It shouldn’t be a problem, because my biggest fear is to regain the weight, I’ve managed to get rid of. These days this fear is like a dark cloud following me around wherever I go. Still, I seem more determined to self-destruct, than to help myself move forward towards my goal weight.

After getting that far in my thoughts, I started to ponder over how much of my difficulties really have to do with food itself. The answer there was zero! When I, as a person, and my life in general is calm and good, I enjoy eating healthily, but it is a very long time since any of that has been my reality. It feels like I’m living in a vacuum filled bubble, incapable of moving forward and take the next step. I can see the staircase and I know what I want to do, but this bubble I’m trapped in, makes any movement I want to attempt very hard.

Almost two years in of, by necessity, working two mindless but physically demanding jobs has started to take its toll. The panic I feel on Monday afternoons when my three long working days are behind me is getting worse for each week that passes. My mind is filled with all the tasks I have to somehow get through on Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday afternoon after work and then on Thursdays and Fridays, my so called “days off”. On Mondays I allow myself the afternoon off, which basically means I fall asleep on the sofa after having taken Columbo out on his walk, and normally wake up in time to catch up on some telly before it is time to go to bed again.

Yesterday I had a scare at work. I’d been even more tired than normal this week and was relieved I had managed to get through my working hours. I shopped a bit before leaving the store where I work and was planning to pay contactless with my card. For some reason the contactless system didn’t work, so I had to use my pin. The scare was that I could not remember my pin number. This is the card I frequently use and more often than not for amounts that require my pin. Yesterday this piece of information was totally erased from my mind; and I mean totally! You may think that this isn’t such a big deal and that it’s normal to forget. The thing is though, I don’t forget those kind of things. Something similar has happened only twice before in my life, and both times it’s been when I’ve been totally exhausted. Once a few years back it was another pin number that had gone missing in my mind. Another time over a decade ago, I was driving into a roundabout and I totally forgot where I was going and had to drive around the roundabout twice before I remembered where I was heading.

This memory glitch yesterday showed me that the amount of time I will be able to continue as I am work-wise, is getting limited. It is also a catch 22. The only things I could stop doing to give myself more time to rest are the things I do that still doesn’t give me an income, but potentially these are the things that at some point will allow me to cut down on the hours in my soul destroying and physically demanding day jobs.

My walk this morning couldn’t solve any of all that, but before heading back home again, I did promise myself to make a clear decision about my eating habits for the next two weeks. Telling myself that I will try to be good is not working. It gives me far too much leeway. Therefore, I have decided to follow the plan properly and without cheating for the next two weeks and see what effect that will have on my both my weight and my wellbeing as a whole.


Have a good week and I see you in 7!




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