Digging deep

“Sometimes you just need to talk about something, not to get sympathy or help,

but just to kill its power by allowing the truth of things to hit the air.”

Karen Salmansohn.

I found the statement above on a Faceboook page called Tiny Buddha a couple of weeks back. It was actually the day after I had written my darkest blog post ever, having been wandering around in the darkness for quite some time. What the statement is saying is something I have known to be the truth for years and also lived by for years. If I have fallen down a black hole emotionally, I know I’m on my way to clawing myself back to life when I feel I can write down my thoughts. I also know that if I have the courage to show what I have written to the world; the healing process will be quicker.

Just as the statement above says, I’m never doing this for sympathy or asking for help, but something inside me knows that the truth about my words of where I was at in that moment, got to be allowed to hit the air, because it does kill the power of darkness. Since the day I let my words hit the air, I have managed to make a plan that has given me back control over my life. Basically, I have given myself enough time during the week just to rest and be.

Having got that part of my life in balance, I could take a bigger step this week and not just track my food within my weight loss journey, but I also managed to dig deep and make healthy food choices most of the time. This obviously has had an upward spiralling effect, so I have felt brighter and happier. So much so, that while resting and watching some mindless telly the other day, I suddenly was given the chorus and the story for a brand-new song lyric from my sub conscious. When that happened, I felt I was back. It was a magical feeling.

Looking back at the last couple of months, which have been anything but nice, I have to say I can see many positive changes in the way I have been able to handle and control my destructiveness that always follows a visit into the darkness. I think this is the first time ever that I’ve been able to feel I have value instead of almost drowning in self-hatred. Therefore, I have been able to stop myself from destroying the things I have worked for, as a way of punishing myself. One proof of this is that I was able to maintain my weight throughout seven difficult weeks. OK, so I could potentially have been 4 to 7 kg or half a stone to a stone lighter today than I am, if all would have gone to plan, but that’s just it. Life never goes to plan, at least not to the plan that is in my head, so sitting here today knowing I’m starting to feel out of the woods, and with nothing to rebuild, feels fabulous. As a matter of fact, if I can trust my new scales, which I hope I can, this could be the week when things are starting to move the right way again.

Well, I have to admit that my new scales are a bit iffy, but this week I have managed to lose 1Ib or half a kilo which, for the first time in 7 weeks, takes my weight lower than it has been so far on this weight journey. Happy days!

Have a good week and I see you in 7.



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