I’m still here!

I don’t think anyone reading the blog I wrote last week could avoid realising that I wasn’t in a good way. So, how am I doing this week? Well, first of all, I knew I couldn’t cope with yet another week of that kind of tiredness and nonstop have to’s, so I decided to see to it that I actually got as many hours sleep per night that I need. Then I decided that I would do my upmost to get back to tracking my eating, because as my wonderful friend in Finland, who knows me better than I know myself, said; “You couldn’t cope with gaining weight again.” or something to that effect. She is absolutely right. Despite feeling so very stuck in so many ways, starting to feel normal instead of hideously fat has, during the last few months, changed my life for the better in more ways than I can ever explain.

 
So, since last Saturday, I have been tracking everything I’ve eaten. This doesn’t mean I haven’t gone above my points or not had any treats. Reaching that point will take a bit longer, but at least I have written down everything I’ve eaten, which has made me choose less badly, and I have felt like I’m gaining control again in at least one area of my life.

 
Another decision I’ve made is to do absolutely nothing at all after work on Mondays; that is, except taking my dog Columbo for a walk. Other than that, I have made it possible for me to be able to walk around at work on Mondays thinking that when I come home I can have time for myself doing whatever I want to, which may be nothing at all, or maybe listen to music, read or catch up on some telly. The last thing I will do is to feel GUILTY about it. I have also given myself the choice to decide that Tuesday can be a similar day, if my body, mind and soul need it to be. This week Tuesday was a bit half and half. I didn’t move any mountains, but thanks to having taken away the feeling of having to do things, I actually managed to get some shopping and some domestic chores done.

 
Rearranging my days and taking away some of the pressures I always seem to put on myself has made it possible for me to have a bit of a brighter outlook on life today. I have realised that I somehow need to find a way to accept mediocracy from myself. That doesn’t mean I won’t always do my best, because obviously I always want to do my best. What I need to learn is that it is ok if my best isn’t that brilliant. The world realised this a long time ago. What I do creatively is sometimes ok, but not brilliant. Whatever I attempt in the big world always comes back to me with that answer, so maybe it is time to accept ok as good enough instead of fighting towards goals that may be out of my reach! I’m cringing when writing this, so I’m not quite ready to give up on my big dreams just yet, but if, I at least, recognise that I may feel better inside if I, for once in my life, stop putting so much pressure on myself to reach the level of brilliance in one creative area or another, I believe I have taken one step in the right direction.

 

This week I had gained half a pound, or 250 gr if you prefer. This means that since the 12 of July my weight has more or less stayed the same. Half a pound up one week and down the next. Maybe I should be very disappointed, but I prefer to look at it as a success. With all the upheaval and change I’ve gone through since the beginning of July, plus the fact that England has experienced the longest heatwave for decades tempting me to eat more ice cream than I should, I am so happy with myself and the fact that I have managed not to gain weight. Knowing I’m back on track with my tracking since a few days back too, I really feel I can start my next chapter on my weight loss journey as of today.

 

Have a good week and I see you in 7!
Åsa

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