Hope is no more

If, at the moment, you’re not in the mood to read a very dark blog post, I suggest you stop now, because what I have to say is not uplifting in any shape or form. Instead it is about where I am and how I feel at this moment in time. I gave you a promise when I started this blog to be totally honest and sometimes honesty can live in a very dark place.

 

 
When I was much younger than now, I used to have a constantly recurring nightmare, where I was walking around in a house that basically had fallen to pieces. There was rubble everywhere and I was walking around in the house, barefoot and in my nighty looking for a way out. In the dream I was so tired I almost fell asleep as I was walking. Strangely there were people everywhere and all of them wanted to talk to me or ask me something and I kept telling these strangers to leave me alone, because I needed to sleep.

 
Many years later, when I had been working as an on-line shopper for maybe five of the eight years I managed to stay in that job, that nightmare became my reality. Well, I wasn’t walking around barefoot and, in my nighty, but in many ways my life was falling apart, (which could be what the rubble symbolised) because the very early mornings had taken such a toll on me that I didn’t have a life outside the job anymore. I was walking around in a daze and everything I live for had to be put to one side for later and maybe better circumstances.

 

 
Finally, three years later, I managed to find a different job. A cleaning job, where I started one hour later, but instead I had to work almost every day of the week, to get the hours necessary. Still, it was better and some of the things I live for (my writing, my baking etc.) started to reappear. Then, only a year back, it got even better. I managed to find my weekend job as a kitchen assistant among my lovely elderly friends with various kinds of dementia. Finally, I had my working hours concentrated on two full days (and no early starts) and plenty of time to get my creative jobs going.

 

 
Wow, last year I took a diploma in advanced photo shop and advanced graphic design, a third one in advanced music theory, a fourth one in blogging and content marketing and a fifth one in social media marketing. On top of that I started my two blogs and I wrote a lot of new song lyrics. I also got an NVQ in hospitality. To round the year up perfectly, I baked and sold around 5000 biscuits leading up to Christmas and I was HAPPY, because I was able to do all the things I live for. I wasn’t tired from too many outside influences and circumstances outside my control that zapped my energy in the jobs where I earned my living.

 

 
Unfortunately, very few of the things that I live for had started to earn me any money yet, and due to various reasons, my money situation was drastically changing, and not for the better. Therefore, I had to find a second job, and exactly seven weeks ago I went back to my cleaning job for three mornings a week. With having to take on more hours than I knew I could manage, with my personal problems and limitations I was a bit concerned over how it would go. You may not remember, but a few months ago I did mention that I belong to the group of people in the world that goes under the name highly sensitive persons. This is some of the things people like me may be struggling with;

 
1. We may be easily overwhelmed by such things as bright lights, strong smells, coarse    fabrics, or sirens nearby.

2. We may get rattled when we have a lot to do in a short amount of time.

3. We may make a point of avoiding violent movies and TV shows.

4. We may need to withdraw during busy days, into bed or a darkened room or some other place where we can have privacy and relief from the situation.

5. We may make it a high priority to arrange our lives to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations.

6. We may notice or enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, or works of art.

7. We may have a rich and complex inner life.

8. When we were children, our parents or teachers may have seen us as sensitive or shy.

 

For me point 1, 4, 5, 6 and 7 causes problems.

1. Loud sudden sounds are something that throws me totally off balance.

4. If I’m not allowed a lot of time to be by myself and find my inner peace after a hectic time around people, I sooner or later shut down totally. The same happens if I can’t see a time or a day where I don’t have any “musts”.

5. When I found out I was an HSP, I also realised that subconsciously for a long time I had done this. Now I know I have to arrange my life in a certain way to function.

6. Yes, only creativity and enjoying creative things makes me happy in a genuine way.

7. Yes, I live much more inside myself than out in society.

 
Within only seven short weeks with the two jobs that I absolutely have to keep, to be able to survive, I have had to let go of my plans to finish the advanced course in social media marketing and get a diploma. The second thing that I now have to accept that is going to pot is my weight loss journey. No, I haven’t gained any weight, but I haven’t been able to follow the programme for weeks now. During the first weeks with two jobs, too much was going on around me for me to be able to focus and now I’m just too tired to plan or cook. I will go to my meeting on Thursday but having to go out on one of my two days with no work outside the house, is now worrying me and making me feel even more tired. That is how low I have sunk in only seven weeks.

 

 
The third thing that is only limping along since the change is my two blogs. This one, I have managed to keep going, because it is an easier one to write than my second one, which talks about my lyric writing. My blog about lyric writing should have two new blog posts each week. Last week I only managed one. I had planned to write a second one the Monday just gone, so that there still would be two new ones within a week. I did go into my office to do just that on Monday, but I was so tired that I almost fell asleep at the desk and I couldn’t keep two thoughts together. I tried again on Tuesday, with the same result.

 

 
Unfortunately, my body clock can’t cope with six o’clock starts anymore. To be able to get to work for six, I have to get up at four, because I can’t rush in the mornings. I now get up at 4 AM three mornings per week and at 5AM two days per week. I work hard in both places. One job leaves me totally empty because it doesn’t give my spirit anything. The other one means a lot more, but in no shape or form does it give me any creative joy.

 
I am totally cornered. I have no choice but to keep going to these jobs because without one or the other I can’t pay my bills, but with doing so, everything that is me is dying. I am closing the door on hope, because while I’ve been working creatively I have had the tiniest of hopes that something of what I do someday will succeed. I am not a lazy person. I love to work, but I am a bit different, and jobs around a lot of people and outside influences that don’t nurture my soul in any way, sooner or later, will kill me.

 
My reality is now back to the nightmare from when I was in my twenties. Strangers and circumstances are pulling me and forcing me to do things, while my world is totally falling apart. The only thing I can give up, so that I can have time to sleep and recharge my batteries for yet another soul-less day, is my writing my creativity and all the things I would love to learn and read about. I am now totally living my nightmare and absolutely everything I have lived for is slowly slipping through my fingers.

 

 
So, does it really matter what I weigh this week? Sorry, to me it doesn’t. The only reason to continue my weight loss journey now is that if I would have time to get to my goal weight, before my soul decides to part from my body due to a meaningless life, the undertakers will have a lighter corpse to carry away.

 
It is sad to close the door on hope!
Take care!
Åsa

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