Changes

This week has meant a lot of changes in my daily routine. These changes are all for the better, but I still have to get use to them and all the turbulent emotions that comes with change, have to have time to settle.

 
Since January I have been looking for a desperately needed second job, but because I already work every weekend, this has proven to be much more difficult that I had anticipated during the last six months. I have been hovering between great hope and big disappointments many times, and all the time my economical situation has become more and more precarious. I have felt totally cornered and without any good solutions.
Strangely, I have learned to live with these circumstances. Somehow life gets easier, when you have tried everything you possibly can and have to accept that there is nothing more you can do other than what you are already doing. You just have to continue to do your best every day and accept that what will be, will be.

 
Last Monday, totally by chance, I went into the place I worked before I started my weekend job. I absolutely loved my last job and my colleagues, but my hours weren’t many and sadly spread over six days, so it took a lot of my time without giving a lot in return. Now things have totally changed within that particular company and when I walked in there I was greeted in a wonderful way by so many people who told me to apply for my job again. I said that I doubt the company will want to employ me, because the days I can work are very restricted. Still I was told to apply. “You never know”, one of my old colleagues said.

 
The following day I got hold of the person in charge and told him which days I could work. This was a manager that had started after I had finished, so he didn’t know me from Adam. Still he said that he had more or less been told to employ me by the senior boss, but he needed to rearrange a few things and would call me back on Thursday.

 

Already on Wednesday, many of my old colleagues started to contact me via FB, telling me they had heard I was coming back. The same continued on Thursday and even though I tried to keep calm and not get my hopes up before the manager had confirmed that I got the job, I couldn’t help to feel my luck was changing for the better.

 
Thursday was going very slowly. I spent the day by my phone and in the fridge, due to nervous emotions. Evening came, and I had heard absolutely nothing from the manager. I decided to call him on Friday morning, which I did, only to be told he was working in the afternoon. To avoid the fridge most of the morning, I took a lovely car journey up to Shap with a friend, where we had lunch at a favourite café, and yes I also bought home some goodies, because I felt I would need them either to celebrate, or, drown myself in sorrow if the job was snatched away from my jaws after everybody, except the one that mattered, had confirmed I had got the job.

 
On the way home, we passed the place in question, so I decided to go in and talk to the manager face to face. I had to wait for half an hour and during that time I met so many of my old colleagues and they were all so happy to see me and so willing me on to get the job that it overwhelmed me. When I finally talked to the manager, I realised that my gut reaction to talk to him face to face had been the right one if I wanted the job. Not only did I get the job, he rearranged his rota to fit me and he gave me 14 hours over three days instead of 10.5, since I couldn’t do four days. Tomorrow I go for an induction day and on Wednesday I start my real work.

 
The relief that my life has sorted itself out in the eleventh hour, or a bit later, is amazing. I have been on a rollercoaster ride emotionally the last week. First because I didn’t know what would happen, then because of hoping in advance and finally because of the pure relief it had happened. Add to that the reaction towards me from my old colleagues as I have always struggled when people really show that they are happy to see me or that they really care. This is because I have a very difficult time believing that I am worthy of those feelings. Therefore, when that happens, I normally feel a need to punish myself.
Considering all of this I have been coping well with my eating. Thursday and Friday, I didn’t keep to the plan or count any points, I just knew I had to wait until I felt emotionally stable again. I accepted, without any disappointment or anger towards myself that I went off the plan for a while. On Saturday I was back on track and on Sunday I allowed myself a real holiday day which included a big ice cream at an ice cream parlour.

 
Everything you read so far was written on Monday, so I don’t know how the last three days of my week will become. What I do know is that compared with a few years back, I have coped tremendously well with the emotional turbulence. I may not have stuck to the plan or bothered to track for a few days but compared to what my mind would have done to me in the past, I’ve done extraordinarily well when it comes to my eating. I have been very aware of the games my mind and my old thought patterns have tried to play on me, and I haven’t allowed myself to get fooled. I suppose you could say that I have finally learned that I am worth more than that, and I don’t need to punish myself anymore.

 
Instead I’ve been kind to myself, and I still am. I don’t know if I’ve gained any weight this week, but if I have I have. From now on I will have five days per week where I will get a lot of exercise through work and in a couple of months’ time I will be able to renew me gym card, so there is no doubt in my mind that I will reach my goal weight, even though I may have gone the wrong way this week.

 
It is an amazing thing to say, but I think I am finally almost healed emotionally, after 25 years of agony and horrors. How about that!

 

This week I had actually stayed the same weight, which is an achievement in itself, since I haven’t done any tracking and not payed much attention to my eating. Getting back on to an emotionally stable place has been my priority during the last seven days. I’m not there yet, but hopefully, with getting back into routines after a couple of holiday weeks from my weekend job and having my first full week in my new job, will do the trick.

 

Have a good week and I see you in 7!
Åsa

 

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