Like a bear with a sore head

“To progress, your desire to change must be greater than your desire to stay the same.” I saw this statement yesterday, and it hit me how much these two desires love to fight. The best description of me for a lot of the time during the last few months, is: like a bear with a sore head. I’m bad-tempered and annoyed and quite often without any visible reasons to be so.

 
No, the reasons for me being bad -tempered are well hidden inside my mind, but if you could take a look inside there, you would see a real battle zone; especially the last couple of months when we have been blessed with glorious sunshine and temperatures that are mostly unheard of in Britain.

 
So, what is going on then, inside my mind? Well, a very big part of me is loving to see and feel the changes my weight loss is having on me. In that part of my mind, the desire to keep going and not falling off the wagon is stronger than anything else. Then we have this other part of my mind where the biggest desire is to “feel free” and go out to a café somewhere for a big ice-cream or a lunch somewhere nice, where it is possible to eat outside. This obviously is a big paradox, because while I feel fat and ugly I can’t feel free, so this feeling of freedom through unhealthy eating is just a mirage. Going backwards now would make me unhappier than I’ve been for years, because my goal post and possibility to finally reaching my ideal weight is closer than it’s ever been.

 
Luckily, even though these battles inside me are an ongoing thing, the desire for change is, and has been, the winning team for a long time now. I would prefer the battles to go away totally, but as long as the one of the two teams in my mind that 90% of me is routing for is winning, I can cope with the battles. Hopefully my surroundings can cope with this version of me that acts like a bear with a sore head too.

 
Positive things, like being able to buy a new pair of trousers in a smaller size, definitely reinforces my desire to change. This happened last weekend. I have postponed buying new clothes for as long as possibly, because I don’t want to buy too many new items, while there is still around three stones left on my weight loss journey. Hopefully what ever I buy now will also become too big in the near future, and it’s sad to spend money on items I won’t be able to get the full use of.

 
On Tuesday morning I was over the moon because I was well on my way to be able to tell you that I’ve lost another 2Ibs this week. Wednesday morning was a different story all together. Due to the heat, it doesn’t help how much fluids I’m trying to take in not to get dehydrated, I am still retaining water. So, all of a sudden this Wednesday, it looks like I may be putting a bit on when it comes to weighing in tomorrow. I do hope this won’t be the case, because if it happens I will feel awful, even though I know it isn’t telling the truth, because I’ve had such a good week!

 
How did it go on my return to class after one week off? Well, it is now Thursday, and I have just met up with the scales again, AND I had lost a pound! I know, in reality, I have lost more, but the heat is still with us and my fingers look like sausages, which means I am still retaining water. I’ve decided I can live with that though, because I will enjoy the warm weather while it lasts. What really has cheered me up is that I now officially have reached the 1,5 stone mark or 11kg. Happy days!

 
Have a good week and see you in 7!
Åsa

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