The Darkness Inside

“It’s a mean world that I’ve known. Never got no good doing what I’m told” The words from Elle King’s song “Where the devil don’t go” have haunted me for the last few days. I will put the link to the song at the end of the blog if you want to listen.

 
I’m writing this on Wednesday the 2nd May, one day before it is time to face the scales again, and since late Saturday evening I’ve had self-destructive eating habits. The worst thing is that I’ve got no idea what happened. Coming home from work on Saturday, I felt really good and positive. So much so, that I chose a salad as my main meal. I even posted a picture of my salad on FB because I was stunned over my healthy choice. Then for some reason, later on that evening I ate quite a lot of chocolate. I could possibly live with that fact, if I would only know what prompted the change in me. The sad thing is that I don’t have a clue. Somehow, I just decided to eat it. No discussion with myself, no reasoning, nothing inside me that warned me, nothing that said I particularly wanted the chocolate, but suddenly I had totally spoilt a day where, up to that point, I had done everything right.

 
On Sunday I tried to rectify my mistake, by eating very little. Another stupid choice, as I found out on Monday when I was starving because of it and I made a lot of bad choices. Then on Tuesday a good friend came over for coffee and before I knew it I had brought home one bag of jam- and one bag of custard doughnuts, with the excuse that 1st May is a bank holiday in Finland (my old home country), and on that day in Finland, there is a tradition of eating doughnuts. The rest of the day became rather improvised too, with, among other things, a lunch out.

 
What infuriates me most with these last few days is that I can’t see any real reasons why I’ve gone off the rails. I’ve got no answer to my why! Deep down I know that I’ve been strong enough to resist doing so all the time. Still something inside me has chosen to return to my familiar cul-de-sac of self-destruct.

 
All I can think of is that I’m nearing my invisible wall where I can start to see changes in reactions towards me, due to my weight loss. I’m nearing the weight I’ve been sitting on for most of the time during the last decade and for some reason, subconsciously, chosen not to go below. I have no idea what deep fear I am harbouring inside me, but subconsciously I feel something horrible may happen if I get back to my ideal weight. Whatever it is, that fear has been stronger than my willpower to do good this week.

 
I’m not looking forward to the meeting tomorrow. In fact, I spent most of yesterday evening trying to find a good enough reason not to go in, so that I could give myself a week to bounce back before facing the scales yet again. Luckily, back in February I committed myself to this blog, when starting my weight loss journey. At least this is a sign that I know myself well enough to realise I was going to need something extra outside myself to keep me on the straight and narrow when the darkness inside took over and my tendencies to self-destruct returned.

 

Right, it’s now Thursday and I DID go to the meeting AND I hadn’t gained any weight! I hadn’t lost any either but staying the same felt like a victory. Especially, since most of the last seven days has been a struggle and a big fight against myself. I’m not out of the woods yet. My will power isn’t there and I’ve lost my focus. Hopefully I will have better news a week from now.

 

Have a good week and I see you in 7!

Åsa

 

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