Will power

I had planned to write abut a more general subject today, but this last week has been anything but fun, so I will concentrate my story around those days instead. Maybe you can remember that in an earlier post I mentioned I belong to the group of Highly Sensitive People who exist in our world. This means that I need more peace and quiet than most people, and if I know I am going into a very busy and intense period with a lot of meetings and social events, I need to mentally prepare myself a long time ahead of that period.
From the end of February and all the way through March, there were things going on that exposed me to much more social events than normal. And there were also things that caused worry and therefore stress. I kept myself afloat and my mind fully focused on April, which I believed would give me my desperately needed time for solitude, so I could catch up with my soul again.
Unfortunately, I had missed out a whole week of events, which was the week just gone and when I found out that my goal post for “me-time” had been moved further away from me, I had no answers for how to manage mentally and emotionally. I felt like I had fallen down a deep, black well with so much slime covering the inside of the old brick walls, that I had absolutely nothing to grab hold of to reach a place where I could find myself and some sort of inner peace again.
Luckily, this horrid well and I have known each other for a long time, so I’ve learned how to somehow keep functioning physically even though anything that is me, is totally lost. So, last Friday, instead of finally giving myself a day without any musts I cooked lunches for a weekend course, cleaned the house and baked. On Saturday and Sunday mornings I had to get up very early to get everything ready for lunches and morning coffees before going to work. Eight hours later I came home and immediately had to start to prepare for the afternoon coffees. My work is as a kitchen assistant in a nursing home, for people with various kinds of dementia. It is a very noisy environment and I am on my feet for the whole eight hours except for a fifteen-minute break.
Sadly, someone that should have known better, asked me to join the course group for the afternoon coffee when I brought it up for them. I have obviously become too good at just motoring on, saying the right things and smiling at the right times, so the fact that I would want to burst into tears and scream at the world to leave me alone, doesn’t show. Now I had to feel rude on top of every other feeling churning up inside me, but there was no chance I could have coped with sitting down to be social at 3.30 pm after having been on my feet and among people since 5 am, so I declined the offer with yet another fake smile and went to make myself some dinner.
Sadly, the dinner had to be the left overs from the course lunch. I know it is very taboo to talk about money in my adopted home country England, but since this is a reality for me and I have promised to be honest in this blog, I have to admit that there is no way at this moment in time that I could buy food for a course and also buy a second set of food for my self to fit my diet. During the last few days I have had to do the best that I’ve been able to among what has been left from the course, what ever the points have added up to.
However, whilst inside this well-known black, deep well of mine, I can’t keep my diet as a high priority anyway. I need solitude and total peace from the outside world the better part of two days a week to be able to function properly. At this moment in time I have been forced to cope without anything like that for over six weeks, and my will power is now a non-existent entity.
I’ve learned something new about myself though; – last week’s cheerful blog “Bouncing back”, was me subconsciously trying my upmost not to fall into that well of mine. I have actually seen a new pattern in me. Just before I fall down this really big, dark hole, I have a day or two on an almost manic high. I feel invincible and my brain keeps telling me there is nothing I can’t cope with. It is a very clear signal that I am nearing the edge of a very black period, but at least now I know.
Now hopefully, I have some time where I can get my “me-time”, without any more surprises falling into my lap. My material world is hanging on one, very fragile string, and I must spend every waking hour trying to find a solution and ways forward before that last string finally bursts. To be able to keep fighting, I need to be the best version of me and that can’t happen if I’m not allowed my alone time. The best version of me also includes a slimmer, healthier me, and that won’t happen either, if I’m not strong enough to keep my will power and focus.
This week I actually lost the half pound I put on at Easter, even though I didn’t stick to my eating plan at all. I guess this is thanks to a very busy and very active few days. What ever the reason; – I’ll take it.
Have a very good week and I see you in 7.
Åsa

 

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