Going back to class today I wasn’t sure what to expect weight-wise. We are in the middle of celebrating a big -0 birthday in our house and last week this took me out eating lunches, afternoon teas and dinners four out of seven days. On Sunday we will have a birthday celebration at home with a Nordic Style afternoon tea, so I’m not out of the woods yet. Still, I would have been over the moon if the scales would have stayed the same, but to my utter surprise I had lost a pound. The surprise factor made it the best pound I’ve ever lost. For people living in kilograms a pound translates to around half a kg; better than ‘a kick in the teeth’ as they say on this island.
I feel I want to give you a bit of background to my weight journey through the decades, just so you know where I’m coming from. If you read the introduction to my blog last week you know I was overweight already as a child. In 1989 while still living in Finland one of my friends joined a class to shed some weight and the changes were so drastic and so quick that I decided to do the same. I have saved all my documentation from back then and it is strange to see that I was inside what today counts as normal BMI (Body Mass Index) for my height when I started. Once again, the picture I had of myself in my head at that time, was as a morbidly obese young woman, so my mind had photo-shopped reality to change me into the shape that fitted the picture created by mean words and bullies from the first 23 years of my life.
It only took me four months to lose 2 stones or around 15 kg and I kept the weight off for two years. Was I happier? It’s hard to say. I remember feeling “worthy” to be a part of humanity and walk down the street with my head held high because I was “normal” in size. For the first time in my life I also felt that I could talk about love with my friends. This is something I missed out on as a young teenager in school, because I felt so ashamed of how I looked. I thought I would be laughed at if I mentioned I “had my eye on someone”. This didn’t stop me having my eye on the teenage boys, but I kept it to myself.
Next time I signed up to a class was here in England in 1996. That time it didn’t last long because during those years my biggest battle wasn’t with the scales, but I will come back to that in future blogs. In 2006 it was time again. I had finally left my biggest battle in life behind me, and it was time to face my weight issues again. At this point I really had developed into a very obese person. I was twice the size I should be, but little by little over a couple of years I lost around five stone, or around 30kg. To get to my goal I should have had to take off another two to three stones or around 20kg, but at this time one positive and one negative thing happened which made me stop. The positive one was that I once again was able to buy any clothes I wanted. I adore clothes and being able to go into normal clothes shops and find sizes that fitted me was a phenomenal feeling. The negative, which my mind couldn’t cope with, was that I started to get noticed as a person again. This may sound strange, but I have always felt invisible as an overweight person. My mind keeps telling me that I’m not “worthy” to be treated as a “normal” person due to my size, and I rush down the streets with my eyes pointed down at my feet, because I want to hide.
Wasn’t it nice to be noticed then, I can hear you ask. Yes and no. Sadly, some things have happened to me in my life that in my mind makes being noticed more scary than pleasant. This is again something I will come back to in future blogs. Today I only want to give you a brief background of my journey so far.
The one thing I am proud of is that between 2008 and today, I have never gained more then around one and a half stone, before managing to take it off again. I’ve done this rollercoaster ride up and down more times than I care to remember though. My weight loss always goes swimmingly until I reach that line where I notice a difference in how people in general treat me, because of my size. When I, in my mind, because this is the only place it makes sense, start to get noticed as a “normal” size person, it suddenly becomes impossible for me to lose more weight. I have a million excuses. Too busy, “happy where I’m at”, need to focus on other things etc. Sometimes I even succeed in fooling myself.
This time I’m putting it out there. When I’ve lost one and a half stone from where I started on the 1 February 2018, I will continue. This time I will win over my mind and get to my goal weight. Hopefully my mind will accept that my general health is more important at this moment in time than any ghosts from my past which have got stuck in my mind. As it is now, they are stopping me from becoming the person I deep down want to be.
Have a good week and I see you in 7!
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