On the 1st of February 2018, I decided it was time to finally shed the final amount of weight I needed to lose to get to what has been my goal for more than a decade. Am I ready for this task? Probably not. But I felt my mind-set was over 80% where it should be, and with that I figured the rest would come when I started to see the scales going the right way and my level of wellbeing started to rise.
I have been overweight most of my life. As a child I had a lot of “puppy-fat” and sadly I was made very aware of how unfortunate this was. My father once in anger told the five-year-old version of me how annoyed it made him that “I couldn’t even bend down to tie my shoe laces” because of how fat I was. This obviously wasn’t true, but it says quite a lot about how my dad felt about having a fat daughter. My mother was just as “considerate” on the day I started school, which in Finland is the year you turn seven. She told me “just know you will be bullied, because of being so fat”. Going into school with that mind set, obviously made it true, because all I ever thought of while getting through primary school was how abnormal I was.
The dramas of my size continued every time we went into town to buy me clothes. There was a lot of sighing going on weeks before “the day”, because of the difficulties we all would have to go through before finding anything suitable for me to wear, and neither going into town or getting new clothes gave me any pleasure.
Reading this you may get a picture of me as this beached walrus child that never moved and was obese. This isn’t true. I moved around a lot. I loved playing football, I loved cycling, cross country skiing and I was playing outside with neighbouring friends until we were forced home by our parents because it was late. Yes, I was overweight, but seeing photos of me as a child now makes me sad. Not because of how fat I am, but because I wasn’t that fat. I was a child with puppy-fat, but my early environment made me feel like the ugliest, most morbidly fat child in history. That picture has never, ever gone away.
These days my head knows that I’m not morbidly obese, but my head has never allowed me to think anything but that I am physically the ugliest creature walking the earth.
Because of the picture I have of myself, my weight loss journey won’t be straight forward. When it comes to food itself, I enjoy healthy food very much and having reached 50 I could probably stick to the diet easier than I’ve done in earlier weight loss attempts because now I know my health will benefit a lot from healthy eating. The problem is all in my head. It is my overweight thoughts that I must somehow change. The difficult bit is that so much of what is going on in my head and mind when it comes to my weight issues is subconscious.
Via this blog I am inviting you in to follow my progress during this weight loss journey. I will be totally honest about how much I lose or gain each week, but mainly I will talk about my unseen, subconscious struggle. I will talk about situations and parts of my life that has made me into the person I am and why I believe my weight issues have never left me for long.
Why am I doing this? Because I know there are millions of other people out there struggling with the same problems. I’ve always loved to figure things out by writing and if a tiny bit of what I have figured out could help someone else fighting the same problem, I would be very happy.
Let’s get rid of those overweight thoughts once and for all!